So I feel I am reaching day 368 of isolation… when in fact it is only say day 13? I think… To be clear I am personally not in isolation but Delilah was and so was my son thanks to school bubbles closing and someone else testing positive. It has been a nightmare to say the least… and I know that people definitely don’t understand how difficult it is.
I’ve spent the last 13 days cleaning, doing dishes, hoovering, taking everything to the garden, bringing everything back in from the garden, dealing with meltdowns because if the heat, dealing with meltdowns because she wanted to be outside, dealing with meltdowns as she is lonely, lifting, hoisting, adjusting, dressing, stripping, changing nappies, thinking of activities, making cuppas, not drinking said cuppas and being an all round snack bitch.
She gets hungry so I hop skip and grab her a snack. Red crisps usually.
And that’s it, but it reality it hasn’t been all of that and more for JUST 13 days. It’s been 18 month. I am so exhausted.
I am currently binge watching the real housewives of New York… everyone loves cringe tv and this is my choice. It makes me feel chill, it’s my five minutes while Delilah eats.
Now although these don’t have a clue what it actually is to be a proper ‘housewife’ but I certainly do.
I am so isolated right now. I am stuck in a constant cycle of housework and cleaning. I speak to zero adults, and by the time my husband comes in, I have nothing to talk about. My husband has worked pretty much the whole time, my closest friends work and I would love to work but its impossible to even contemplate when your constantly in and out of isolation etc. I can feel what I usually see in my daughter. That stage she often goes to when she starts to withdraw from humanity, when she wants nothing to do with outside world. I rarely sleep, granted who is in this weather? Where did that come from eh? Trust it to be soo nice when i’m stuck in the house… sods law isn’t it?
Not sure if ‘sods law’ is a northern saying, I now feel I need to google it, aw well that will kill five minutes today! Haha.
I have nothing to say as there is currently nothing going on in my life. Which to be fair, not be necessarily true and maybe i’m just feeling really low. Usually when I feel like this, I pick myself up, I put on some clothes, get a wash and make myself busy, but how can I right now? When there is just me and three kids day in and day out? One of which (my son) is still in isolation, and although he is 13 and would usually be out with his mates, I feel bad just considering taking Delilah out without him. I feel guilty at the idea of leaving him behind, at home.
So, I am now feeling like a 1950’s housewife, just minus the super cool petticoats and frills that swish when you move side to side. Granted, its not the weather for something so heavy… but I genuinely feel it is my next step.
Last night, Delilah had three meltdowns, pretty much one after the other. Delilah is feeling just as isolated, our older children are teens and they don’t want to play dolls, Delilah doesn’t have any ‘proper’ friends near where we live as she travels to school so no one lives nearby. Groups in our area don’t tend to cater for children with physical disabilities and tend to focus on the able bodied.
Do you know what you say to a child who can’t cope with being lonely anymore? That’s a genuine question because I have no bloody clue anymore. There has been times in Delilahs life when she has asked me why she can’t walk or why she’s different. I can honestly say, those questions were easier than last night. Further the meltdowns, she woke up again at 3am, crying and upset… so I climbed into bed with her, as any parent would. So she’s tired. I am tired. I’m struggling, I put my hands up and say it as it is, when does it end? When do I get to drop the petticoat and become me again? The busy bee that does everyones head in? The one that doesn’t sit still and mouth doesn’t stop? How did I get to a point where I have ran out of words? I’m not ashamed to struggle, especially out loud. I know it’s not here to stay and that this too will pass. I am just needing it to start to pass already, it has outstayed it’s welcome. Tomorrow is another day in the big brother house… Tracey x