Swings and Roundabouts...

What a day… Oh this world is a funny one isn’t it?

For me, it’s a constant battle of how I should be dealing with situations and how I actually deal with them that causes me so much strife. Today alone I have spoke to all three of my children schools, had to keep one girl off, had to pick Delilah up and had to speak to our sons school about furthering support for him.

My head is a mush of exhaustion and feeling done. Where to even start?

The fact that I am currently having issues with my wider family and not speaking?

My eldest is probably making herself unwell due to the stress put on her of being 16 and about to take a version of GCSEs dictated by some twat in a suit that has made her fear she won’t do very well. Which is why she’s not tucked up in bed with a hot water bottle.

My youngest after not having sleep for 9 years finally settling into a new early-ish routine after years of trying with the aid of medication, which in turns makes her sometimes have bad nappies which in turn prompt school to keep sending her home. She is fine btw… like nothing is wrong at all.

My middle boy child, oh you complicated little *swear word* confusing us with whether you need support or a good old clip around the ear… Sometimes I think I need to support you more, do more, be more… but how? Im exhausted, I don’t know how to give myself anymore than I have.

What did I do to end up like this? The guilt of not doing enough and not knowing what to do is so tough to bare. I do try, I swear. I try so hard to be a good person and better myself, for myself and my family. Knowledge is power as they say. Then, imagine your mornings and evenings are so tiring that when they all leave for school you beg for peace… and get it, too much of it even. Ive never been great with meeting new people since I had Delilah, I have had my fingers burnt a few times with ‘friends’ so tend to try keep myself to myself. But sometimes, often lately, the silence is deafening. The promise of ‘catch up cuppas’ that never come, to be honest I am not even sure I want them either, we are friends or acquaintances in my mind. We either give each other our time or when passing simply say hi and carry on with your day. The pandemic has not helped either, it’s pushed me further away from those I did spend time with as we are all just sick of zoom. So I created this website, in order to help people from a distance, to support parents and carers in the hopes no one will ever get to this point where I am sat right now. It is hard work to be seen, and oh my gosh am I trying to make this work. It is hard work just trying not to give in, to keep putting it all out there so that someone else can see they are not alone, when you in deed are alone. My poor husband, could you imagine what weight he carries? The amount of tears he wipes and the amount of times he talks me down? I know it hurts him, to leave for work and walk away. I know we think because our partners are at work they have it easy, they must do! They are so lucky! But are they really? As I know that he has to see it all, hear it all, face it all with me on the days he is home and then try and not think about it while he is at work… just to come home to either a version of Disneyland or Chernobyl depending on what day I have had.

This life is a game of swings and roundabouts, compromises and strain. If one child is ok, another isn’t, you do one good deed and four bad ones are heading your way. It is always this or that, there isn’t an alternative. Those that give advice and are there to support you never really know what it’s actually like to know the right words to say. This is just life without the SEND for some.

How do you learn to live this way? You don’t. You learn to react. You learn to have a cry when you need to, enjoy your pity party then get back up and soldier on. You learn to do your best, when to settle and walk away.

You learn to pick your battles. And todays battle is to pick myself back up. Get ready, go to the gym with my friend and let off steam. And start all over again tomorrow. With all three kids at school… hopefully. Tracey x

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