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NOT working 9 til 5...

It’s a funny old life isn’t it? People on the outside looking in think you have it so cushy,

you don’t work? Pfft, I wish! What you got a FREE car? Pfft, I wish! Bet you jump the cues for assorts, pfft I wish! Erm… yea. Thats what our life is, loads of cushy bonuses to our daughter being PHYSICALLY disabled among other things. As if those of us who don’t work are sitting around all day with our feet up, just chilling… waiting for our child to get in so we can bang a micro tea in and then sit down again… don’t get me wrong I love a good micro tea but away not every day, only 6 out of 7 haha. But honestly, do you know how much I would LOVE to work? Do you know how much I volunteer my time instead to fill that void?

I recently applied for a role at a charity (wont name names) the position was family coordinator and for once, I had the confidence to say - “I could probably do that you know”… so applied thinking, frig it, what is the worst that can happen eh??

And I got an interview. I was gobsmacked, they agreed I probably COULD do the role. My interview was fantastic, I was me, I decided that in the first 5 minutes I could fake it and I was going to be myself. We got along like a house on fire, they had read my blogs weekly previous to the interview and had already sussed me out before hand, so to be honest I couldn’t hide nowt if I tried! (Hi btw if you’re reading this one) I didn’t get the job. I wasn’t devastated to not get the role, but I was upset, I am just awaiting someone to give me that springboard chance. I know my stuff, and what don’t know I will certainly bloody learn. I love helping people. I love talking and I love sharing experience. I didn’t get the role ‘because of me’… I didn’t get the role as someone was able to come in without any extra guidance and start asap. This made me feel much better. So I am still here volunteering my time where possible, a wage doesn’t bother me as we do ok as we are. We aren’t rolling in it, or well off but we manage. I want to work for me. I have spent a long time at home, being Delilahs full time carer, it doesn’t stop because she’s not here, because quite often she is here more than she is at school. When she is at school I am taking her out for appointments. It would be sooooooo easy for me to sit here and do nothing, but I don’t want to. I want social interaction, it isn’t healthy to be living for my child. I know, I know… don’t jump on me… we all live for our kids right? But wouldn’t you love to be referred to as you, your name? Instead of such and such’s mam? Wouldn’t you love to have some other conversation that isn’t ‘Delilahs had ANOTHER loose bowl movement today’… because I swear I talk about poo A LOT. This life is a lonely one, we are all looking for someone who gets it aren’t we? But sometimes, I want someone who doesn’t get it, I want to have normal conversation just for a little while. I also feel the urge to give back, I feel like I must be doing something so that society doesn’t brand me as a ‘dole waller’ or whatever other ridiculous names they come up with. I feel the urge to give back to those organisations that helped and supported us. I feel the urge to be less lonely, to be less of a mess and to instead help others, as others have helped me. I also want something to complain about, I don’t get a moments break, I don’t get much time without considering what’s going on or what’s next. There is just being here, waiting for the next issue, stress or fight. Then I think, what if I did get a job? Could I cope? What would I do with Delilah? Who would help with the kids etc?? Then I remind myself, lots of other people manage it, my husband included, so why shouldn’t I get the chance? Work isn’t for everyone, and I know I won’t be going back unless it is to do something I am passionate about because I do not need to be extra stresses, depression or to be unhappy. This life isn’t about the ‘free’ cars, the cushy perks or whatever else your interpretation of it is. It is hard work from morning til night, where I consider GOING to work as a break. So, im going to keep trying, and in the meantime I will be continuing to write (I started a book! Eek) and helping out where possible. Tracey X


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