Love Bug

You know, now and again there are just those days where you feel everything. When you have bouts of joy then, the deepest sadness, today is one of those days. Conversations with our children are difficult, verbal or non-verbal. Conversations with Delilah sometimes are just down right heartbreaking. These are the days when I wish I knew what to say, I wish I had the heads up and I wish there was a way I could keep her little forever. “I will never know what it’s like to have a boyfriend” “Look mam, I’m on my feet!” “I wish I could do that”

"How was I born like this?" The three sentences that have hurt my heart this week, with the top one being said just today. As a parent it is bad enough to have fleeting thoughts of realistic futures for our kids, but then to hear them said out loud is a gut punch all on there own. How as a parent do I respond to these comments without doing more harm than good? Would be easy to say ‘there, there, it gets better!’ But in all honesty does it? All I have heard about kids like Delilah getting older is that they tend to fall off a cliff edge when no one is watching bar the parent carer keeping hold of the thinest string while they dangle over the cliff, shouting for help and no one coming. That as a parent of a ten year old scares the living shit out of me, and I can see it coming. Why isn’t there more preparation in these types of conversations, for once, I’d LOVE to be sent on a parenting course! I would love for someone to acknowledge this struggle and help answer the questions that each time I hear, I cannot un-hear. When kids are younger and they say such things it is so easy to ‘brush off’ they have no understanding, no maturity and no knowledge of life otherwise. As they grow they begin to take in the world around them and the ‘norms’ even if their world isn’t so normal. .

In all honesty I didn’t even mean to start writing, this blog actually just started as a post and as I kept going I realised it would be too long, so I picked up my laptop and made sure I put it down. I guess I’m hoping by sharing that it will do many of things… Firstly, if you’re the parent of a young child then pre-warn you these questions may come, and in all truthfulness I don’t think any preparation would ever help make it easier to hear these comments. Won’t ever take the sting from the sucker punch or make the blow less painful. Secondly, share that I don’t know what to do about this. I really didn’t know what to say but just hold her, she was cuddled up on my knew chattering away as I silently sobbed behind her holding it all in til I could escape the room. Thirdly, you are not alone. If you are ready this and thinking, you’ve been here then I see you… This fucking sucks. Although a blessing our kids can communicate, its gut wrenching to hear sometimes. I see you and I know, I get it.

I love you Delilah, and one day a boy will love you for you and you will have that boyfriend you hope to have. He will be as special as you are… Love, mam x

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